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21 things I've learned at 21.

9/29/2018

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In no specific order, here are 21 things I've learned in 21 years:
  1. Sometimes you just need a good, hard cry sesh. And it’s totally okay if it happens in front of other people. In fact, the people who stick around for your cry sesh are the ones worth keeping.
  2. A big brother is one of the best things a girl can have.
  3. The best car jams, even in a parked car, are still old school Taylor Swift.
  4. I should lean and depend on other people. But not without being aware of the fact that they’re not perfect, and neither am I.
  5. Living alone, without roommates, is one of the best and worst things I’ve ever experienced.
  6. Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose… forever.
  7. Don’t take your family for granted.
  8. The things that scare you are the things that are worth it 99% of the time.
  9. It’s better to not be okay and honest about it than to not be okay and acting like you are.
  10. Growing up isn’t what little kid me thought it would be. It’s weird. And hard. And kinda sad. But amazing. And scary. Yet exciting.
  11. I really love my dog. Like, a lot. I fully admit that I'm that girl who is too obsessed with her dog. (Or all dogs for that matter. I just really love dogs.)
  12. Dreams and plans change. And that’s okay. It’s a good thing, actually.
  13. My parents are two of my best friends. And they always will be.
  14. For some reason, one wound that’s a decade old, has wrecked me on the daily this year. Wanting someone back doesn’t get easier, and time doesn’t always heal. I’d do anything to be able to call my grandpa on the phone every day; missing him truly feels like it only gets harder with time. Even after a decade, cancer still really, really sucks.
  15. I can’t control other people. And their decisions about their life shouldn’t control my life.
  16. I can spend hours writing without it feeling like hours.
  17. I’m my biggest critic. And a master overthinker. Both of these things often aren’t good things.
  18. Pain will turn into something positive.
  19. Pizza, coffee and puppies are the way to my heart.
  20. People care. Everyone doesn’t leave. Some do, but not everyone. Don’t feel guilty when others choose to care. Let them in your life.
  21. Things will happen in God’s timing, not mine. And I’m thankful for that.
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Even when you feel untouchable.

9/7/2018

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I felt untouchable.
 
Walking into this school year just three short weeks ago, my head was held high, and I felt like I wasn’t going to let anything get me down.
 
Before I left home, I asked both my parents and my brother what their favorite year of college was. They all said year three.
 
If that was all of their best year, it should be mine too. Right?
 
Granted, year three of college was when my parents started dating.
 
But still, skewed results and flawed logic aside, year three for me should follow suit with the rest of Team Ellis… right?
 
On Saturday, sitting in my dorm at midnight after the Gator game that they all came to Gainesville for, staring at my brother who had been standing there for an hour while I just sobbed, I wonder where my “best year yet” was.
 

I cried, as he begged me to talk to him. I told him he should leave, but he wouldn’t (firm believer in that a big brother is one of the best gifts God can give a girl).
 
He would let me cry, and then ask me again to talk to him.
 
I explained to him that I didn’t even know what exactly was wrong, because a lot of what was swirling around in my head didn’t make sense to me.
 
I feel more secure in the community I have here than I ever have, my faith is in a solid spot and my semester is lining up well. But still, I found myself struggling to not feel lonely and to feel happy a lot of days.
 
I explained to him how certain situations in my life are out of my control but feel like they’re controlling my life.
 
I explained to him the realization I’m having that every kid with CP is different. And while I’m truly in some of the best shape of my life, I’m still in a lot of pain. Which, at this point, likely means a lot of my pain is probably just going to be a chronic struggle for me.
 
And that just plain sucks and is a really hard pill to swallow.
 
 I told him that it’s really hard for me that for the first time, the three of them are all together living in Orlando, and I’m here in Gainesville.
 
I wanted to go home. Suddenly, I was crumbling right in front of my brother.
Which was the last thing I was expecting coming into this year.

 
As I leaned into him and soaked his shirt with tears, I realized one thing: even when you feel untouchable, you still need other people. You still need to give into the freedom of depending on Jesus. Because that feeling of being untouchable is just that. A feeling. And even in just a short three weeks, it can be stripped from you.
 
As he sat on my bed, and my parents who had now come back into my dorm and were standing in front me, my eyes drifted to the top of my desk where I have a wall of sticky notes.
 
It’s full of words some of my favorite writers wrote, reminding me how to be grounded in what I write and of the type of writer I want to be. One stuck out to me:
 
“Next to grace, I bet God thinks making us need each other was one of his best ideas.”
~ Bob Goff

 
Even when you feel untouchable, you still need to lean on other people.
 
Even when you feel untouchable and feel like you can handle it, you still need to turn to God and let him handle it.
 
Because combining those two things is the only way you’ll actually be untouchable. Not just feel like it.
 
Still counting on year three to power over a few hard moments and difficult situations. But learning to not let expectations control everything.

And continuing to learn the freedom in dependency on Jesus and the important people in my life.
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    Author

    Jordan Ellis
    Lover of Jesus & puppies & coffee | UF | Gainesville // Orlando | Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.

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