I see it when I look at you.

I see it when I look at you.
 
You’re smiling.
 
But your walls are built up high.
 
Your heart is on lockdown before anything new or anyone new can get close.
 
Not until you’ve had months to figure it or them out.
 
But even then, you usually still keep part of your heart in a tight grip. Just in case something goes wrong. You want to be able to get away with something untouched.
 
There’s a few of people close to you, who somehow have gotten behind those walls completely.
 
They know things you don’t have to tell them. They even know some things that you’ve never technically told them, or anyone.
 
They figure out what’s going on in your head with you, and sometimes before you.
 
But they even wonder sometimes.
 
Your life has been full of more joy than anything else. What exactly caused you to build walls so high?
 
 
I see it when I look at you.
 
You’re tough. Sometimes too tough.
 
Because you’re that kid who maybe had to grow up too fast.
 
Not that you wanted to. It was because of things you couldn’t and still can’t control.
 
But even in the midst of those things, the good and the hard stuff, you were just that.
 
No matter what you were facing, you were still a kid.
 
You just had to grow up fast. So, your mind was sometimes ahead of your heart.
 
Meaning that you knew what was happening, and you knew what you needed to do to get through.
 
But that didn’t mean you escaped all the hurt.
 
And now that you’re older, you see how some things you said were “no big deal” affected you more than you thought they would.
 
Those things are what the walls everyone is saying you’ve “built up so high” are built out of.
 
 
I see it when I look at you.
 
That one best friend who’s not a best friend anymore.
 
That one person who’s actually gone. You’ve stopped telling yourself that time heals. Because it still hurts in the deepest places to miss them, even after a decade.
 
That one appointment that didn’t go right.
 
That one hallway that has little to no good memories.
 
That one thing that one person said to you years ago, that cut too deep.
 
That one relationship that’s years old, and also years gone. You wish you could forget it. Because when your best friends ask you now what it was exactly, you can’t give them an answer. You don’t even know the answer. All you know is that it hurt.
 
That one time you didn’t listen to your gut. And now, down the road, everything in you wishes you did in that one moment.
 
Those empty promises he never fulfilled.
 
Those things she said that were completely out of left field.
 
 
I see it when I look at you.
 
You’re smiling.
 
And your walls are built up high.
 
But that doesn’t make your smile any less genuine.
 
Like those people close to you know and remind you daily, this life has so much joy.
 
Like everyone else, you’ve got a story.
 
You’re smiling because you’ve let all these things be part of your story.
 
You’ve learned from them. They’ve made you stronger. And you know you’re not alone. Everyone’s got something.
 
You’ve allowed yourself to cry when you need to and laugh too. Thankfully, you’ve probably laughed more.
 
You’ve allowed yourself to see God’s purpose in every good and hard thing you’ve faced.
 
So, you’re smiling.
 
Your walls are built up high, because your imperfect and human. And that’s okay.
 
I know, because I am you. Mine are too.
 
But if there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that honesty is one of the most powerful things someone can have and experience.
 
Writing is how I get there. To the honest places.
 
May these things I write be honest.
 
May they help you get to honest places as much as they hopefully help me.​