Shine Like Gold.

Lately, I’ve found myself fighting a very familiar internal battle.
 
The feelings I talked about in a recent blog post, Acceptance: Sore Not Sorry, came back recently fresh, and mixed with even more frustration.
 
Two weeks ago, I remember a night where I came home, hopped off my scooter, annoyingly put my crutches on just to walk two feet to my desk chair, plopped into it, tore my crutches off and cried.
 
I just remember thinking: Lord, everything in me wants to shake this. But I can’t.
 
Why haven’t I just come to terms with this already? Why can’t I just accept my situation, feel good about it and move on with my life?
 
I’ve mastered the art of smiling when I’m around people, when I really just want to cry because I feel like the odd one out and don’t know what to do about it. So, I just get quiet and hope my smile is a good enough disguise.
 
Masking pain is something I’m good at. Asking for help is something I’m terrible at.
 
My biggest fear is slowing people down or being a burden to people. And the tough part is, I let myself believe that I am a burden probably 90% of the time.
 
I get mad at myself for not being super outgoing and for letting my mind worry about things that probably aren’t even true.
 
I get frustrated with myself that I wrote a post about acceptance this summer and felt good about my situation then, yet here we are a few months later and I’m wrestling with God about the same things.
 
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to walking or scooting into class and feeling the stares.
 
I don’t think there will ever be a day where I don’t wish I could run.
 
I don't think there will ever be a morning when I wake up, my bones won't be hurting and as I roll out of bed, I know I won’t be able to totally ignore the pain.
 
I’ve felt stuck in my head the past few weeks. Mad at myself for not being able to just accept my situation for good.
 
Mad at myself for being quiet, shy and way too conscious of my crutches or scooter.
 
Mad at myself for not just focusing on all the good the Lord has placed in my life. Because man, there’s a lot of it.
 
Mad at myself for literally being fearfully of my future, ignoring the fact that God has a plan.
 
So, in short, I’ve found myself playing tug-of-war with myself. Part of me is like, “Jordan, stop it. Fight through this and be okay with where you’re at. You notice CP more than anyone else does. We went through this this summer. You’re made the way God designed you to be and you believe way too many lies about yourself.” But then the other part of me pulls: “But I can’t shake it. I just want to run and play sports instead of sitting in my dorm, wanting the pain to stop.”
 
As I sat in my dorm a few days ago, frustrated with myself, God spun my head on straight with a method he’s used countless times before on me.
 
If you know me, you know my dad and I are Switchfoot fanatics. They recently dropped a new song with Lifehouse to help relief efforts in Houston. I downloaded it when it dropped, but put it on the back burner. But in my frustration the other day, I laid on my bed and just decided to listen to it.
 
I soon was smiling because like I said, God has used Switchfoot on me more times than I can count.
 
Here’s excerpts of some of the lyrics that were screaming through my headphones:
 
Fear in your eyes like you’re looking for a window
For the wide open skies wondering where do I begin though?
If you knew how bright you shine
Do you think it might change your mind?
 The clouds are on fire and they’re telling you some thing that they know
 
You shine like gold
 
….
 
When the dawn broke through the black
We were laughing looking back
No matter how dark the morning comes up relentless
 
….
 
When the thoughts in your mind are like  thieves
And they take you places where love is hard to believe
And the air gets thin and lungs
Find it harder to breathe
 
Remember what you know
 
You shine like gold
 
 
I smiled and cried. And then listened to it probably 20 more times.
 
Because it was a spot on reminder of things my parents have reminded me of every time I’m fighting my own thoughts.
 
If you knew how bright you shine
Do you think it might change your mind?
 
I remember countless times where my dad would look at me and say that he wished I saw what he saw, because if I did, it would change my mind on everything.
 
When the thoughts in your mind are like thieves
And they take you places where love is hard to believe
And the air gets thin and lungs
Find it harder to breathe
 
Remember what you know
 
You shine like gold
 
Whenever I call either one of my parents telling them the thoughts I’m wrestling with, that I feel  like a burden to people and I’m the odd one out, without fail their response is: stop believing the lies.

As I find myself constantly coming back and battling these feelings, I know this is going to be an uphill battle I’ll fight my entire life.
 
Acceptance. Without a doubt the hardest part of all of this for me.
 
This acceptance hurdle might be one I have to jump 100 more times.

But today, I’m smiling. Because reminders like this, make me feel like it’s okay to go through moments of frustration. As long as I come back in the end.
 
But thanks to reminders from Switchfoot and the people I love, faith is something I’ll never lose. 
 
I’m making it my goal to replace frustration with anticipation. Anticipation for all that God has in store.
 
Smiling big today and waving at anyone who gives my scooter a weird look.
 
With a shifted focus, new song and a lot of faith, I think I made it over the hurdle this go-round.
 
~
 
(Shine Like Gold is still on repeat for me. If you want to check it out, click here. Not only is it a great song, but also all the proceeds go to helping Houston recover from Harvey and my home state, Florida, recover from Irma.)