I can’t tell you how many times I told God that: “But this isn’t where I want to be.”
~ By my sophomore year in high school, I was convinced that if I was at any other school, life would instantly be better, and my problems would magically disappear . I didn’t want to be in that season of life; a season riddled with friend problems, insecurities and pain. Even as a graduating senior, I thought nothing good would come from this time. I told God that all I got from that period was lots of tears, deep wounds and trust issues, loneliness and bitterness. But when I look back now, I see him at work. I see that my tears drew my family closer together. I see now that he has turned my wounds and trust issues that developed in that time, into a deep appreciation for the friendships that do and will last. I see that he used my loneliness to draw me into him. He used my bitterness to really show me that my heart needed a lot of work. Fast forward to the middle of my freshman year of college, and I was saying the same thing. “God, I don’t want to be here.” I would look at that view of UF and feel sick. I was again convinced of something false. I was convinced I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to UF. The transfer applications open in my browser on any day that spring screamed what I thought was the truth: I didn’t want to be here. This wasn’t the place for me. I needed to get out. But I didn’t leave for some reason. I stuck around, despite my attempt to convince God that I needed to be somewhere else. Looking at the present, I see why he put me through that and kept me a Gator. My freshman pain is the reason why I appreciate and seek true community so much. My freshman pain gave me perspective and showed me how much I blew small issues out of proportion. My freshman pain showed me truly, that God’s plan is always greater. Sometimes I just have to wait it out, even if “I don’t want to be there.” Just two days ago, I caught myself saying that again. At the beginning of this semester, I had a dream of a summer planned with one goal in mind: to not be Orlando this summer. Circumstance after circumstance happened, and my “dream of a summer” completely fell through. And guess where I’m 95% sure I’ll be this summer? You guessed it: home. In Orlando. The one place I said, “No definitely not,” to. Right after my plan exploded right in my face, I stomped my foot, and hit God with that whiney statement: “But God, I don’t want to be in Orlando this summer.” With no other choice, I sat back and waited. I prayed for something to come up, so I wasn’t just sitting at home all summer. Without giving too much away because I have nothing secured yet, something did come up. In a completely chance way. A dream of an opportunity if it works out, in the one place I didn’t want to be this summer. Sitting here today, I’m face-palming myself and smiling. Because who am I to ever say that where God is placing me isn’t the place to be? Learning slowly but surely to stop telling him that I don’t want to be right in the middle of his glorious, perfect plan. Because in the end, it always works out better than I could have ever planned. Know this: it is so cool, freeing and humbling to just be wherever God puts you in life. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 God’s timing is so sweet, friends. Lean in, and trust it. Related posts: Buckling up through chronic pain: when it takes me down, but God meets me in the valleys.
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October 2021
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